Online dating how long to wait between messages

This is the kind of dater I am when I'm on OkCupid. Some people don't like to appear too eager and prefer to take time to compose a thoughtful message that digs deeper in to someone's psyche. These are the people who are likely to have more extensive contact before meeting someone and will plan things out far in advance.

If someone appeals to them, they may spend even more time planning out their response. Obviously, there are types in between these two ends of the spectrum. And when people match in their styles, communication is easy and trying to mindread the other person is minimized. When there's a mismatch, there can be a lot of confusion and angst on both ends.

In the end, do what you're comfortable doing. If the other person responds well to it, great! If not, then who knows, it might be an indicator that there were fundamental differences in communication there to begin with, and you just saved yourself the time and trouble of finding that out some other way.

If you did this 4 times in a row, I might think it was a little eager. I just figured you happened to be online when you get the message. Don't over think it. I know we all do it, but I constantly forget to respond for several days or just can't think of anything clever to say or am too tired to write any kind of vaguely interesting reply. It doesn't mean I'm not interested. Some people log into dating website once a week or less. Especially on a free site like OKcupid where you have nothing to lose by being a very casual user. If you had waited longer and she hadn't responded by now, you'd be asking us if you waited too long.

There's no way to know what she's thinking. Writing back within the hour is not gross. Formulating a well-thought-out response is not gross. Someone wandering away after just one interaction for whatever reason is unfortunately normal, online and in real life. One more piece of advice: This has the potential to distort your frame of mind. You do not want to lapse into thinking, "So! She has the time to log on to OKCupid to check out other guys, but apparently she can't be bothered to Don't you have some websites bookmarked that you check so often it's reflexive?

At any given moment when I'm online, I'm likely to head to nytimes. Sometimes it's just "I have this computer with internet access in front of me and I'm bored, so I guess I'll go to one of my default sites. You have no way of knowing, so try not to stress about this at all.

I have no idea if she's waited a couple days because she's not interested or because she wants to take some extra time to write a good message. If it's the latter, she might still intentionally log in for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with you. Since you haven't even gotten to the first-date stage yet, it's entirely possible she's actively interested in someone else Or maybe she just got an email alert with a preview of a message from some random guy, and it's so horribly written that she wants to log in to read the message for a good laugh.

Maybe she just quit smoking and logged in purely to change the smoking field in her profile to "no. It would take a pattern of instant enthusiastic responses for me to be freaked out by a short response turnaround time. For example, this would be both classic and alarming: Him, 7am - Hi you seem neat Me, 8pm - blah blah blah Him, 8: I am easily smothered. And I mostly get creepy, non-thought-out booty call messages on OKCupid. And I'm not a "you seem neat, let's go out this weekend, person I don't really know" girl.

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How long do you wait until you send another message? : Tinder

Think about it, but don't over think it. It helps to keep sending out messages to other people. Don't focus entirely on someone awesome in the early stages. I try to wait at least a day to compose a message, so that I have time to calm down and not say something stupid. But I let freaking voicemail greetings marinate in the same way, so.

I don't understand this rule you are talking about. What's wrong with being excited about communicating with someone and responding quickly? Honestly, if I knew the same was going through a potential date's mind while communicating with me, I would be extremely disappointed, because it strikes me as very disingenuous.

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If this sounds overly harsh, don't take it personally, since I don't really know you, but consider it a data point when it comes to the kind of mindset that would lead you to overthink the issue as you have. Thank you for all the responses. If anything, the message would get shorter if I remove digressions.


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I am hearing the advice on not overthinking things. The first two responses came in so fast I thought I was being stalked. I am gaining it. They become the perfect FakeSelf, because it's what everyone seems to think they're supposed to do. Then they go on dates with people and continue that pattern of attempting to be the "perfect" and "attractive" FakeSelf, and then wait 72 hours to talk to the person again because that's the rule. At this point, one of two things generally happens: FakeSelf, over time, becomes frustrated and angry at online dating, because gosh darn it, it seems like FakeSelf just puts FakeSelf out there over and over, and nothing ever comes of all that effort.

I mean, what would it be like if you just wrote what you wanted to write to someone, when you wanted to write it? And then, what if you went out on a date and said what you actually thought and felt about things?! Then when we went out, he was being RealSelf with me. I knew I would never have to wait 3 days before he would call me back. I knew I would never have to wonder whether he was playing me while he was actually into someone else.

I knew I would never have to think, "is he just saying that because he thinks it's the right way to respond? Being RealSelf, however, isn't the thing that takes all of the energy and effort--it's being FakeSelf that does. So do the thing that's easier, stop wasting your own time, and just be RealSelf from the beginning. I reply pretty much as soon as I get a message - otherwise I'll forget. I basically treat the OKCupid message system like email, or facebook, or text messages. I don't use any voodoo or Jane Austenian social codes or whatever.

I also don't set any stock in how quickly or slowly anyone replies to my messages. It's really all about what they say. Also about getting to the point and asking me out rather than stringing it along for a million rounds. Don't care, don't notice, and don't use any special rules for my own behavior.

Well, even if men and women think about things the same way all other things being equal, all things are not equal with online dating. If two people are inherently the same but are in two different situations, it isn't surprising if they act in different ways. Nthing don't overthink this.

As someone who has been on OkC for a while now, people are often very different in real life than their profiles would seem to indicate. And its not because they are all trying to be deceptive, its just that its very hard to accurately convey who you are via that kind of medium.

So don't get too excited about anyone person. Am I the only one who finds the whole concept of dating "rules" really stupid? Why must there be rules?? You're right that it's possible they just forgot to respond. Try starting a new conversation instead. That would never bother me. Worst case scenario, she doesn't respond to that. I totally do understand your standpoint and I should have elaborated my answer more. I thought that he's already had some back and forth conversation with her, maybe even talking about a date.

Writing something along the lines that I would have loved to meet her in these kind of situations has worked for me lots of times. As of OPs situation - I agree the thing I wrote before would just be weird. In this case I'd just text 'Alpha Bravo. I unmatch and flag their profile as spam, or I send a random gif to them every day they don't respond until they either respond or unmatch. Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy. Log in or sign up in seconds. Get an ad-free experience with special benefits, and directly support Reddit.

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